Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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