I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
