So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We are two peas in an std pod
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
