Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
