Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
