I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She needs sedatives and a leash
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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