96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
