I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
