Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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