fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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