Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
