Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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