My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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