ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
