Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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