I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
