We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
