so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
