my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
