I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize