You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
