I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am available for nakedness
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize