Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
