just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
