Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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