Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
