Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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