I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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