peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
