barbara walters just said penis...
high people should be assigned attendants
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
