I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
