I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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