He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
