I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
