Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
