i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
