Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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