What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
