me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
