It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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