Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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