Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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