he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
