I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
