Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
