ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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