Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
