I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
