she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
