Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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