Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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