Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
