Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
