I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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