sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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