you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
