One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
