Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
someone owes me an orgasm
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
