clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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