I think im going to throw up on grandma
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
