So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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